Dark Shadows Cursed My Wallet

May 14, 2012 at 10:00 am

Dark Shadows Cursed My Wallet

QUICK COME HERE, NO OVER HERE, NOW BACK HERE, THEN HERE, NOW HERE…

Let’s get the obvious out of the way…  I did not care for Dark Shadows.  It’s unfortunate because I was really hoping it would end up being a fun little vampire tale.  The latest Tim Burton/Johnny Depp collaboration is a complete mess.  It seemed like they examined the story arcs of the TV series and crammed every single one of them into a movie that suffers from ADD.

XTRA | A Conversation With Tim Burton

The opening was fantastic, it set up Depp’s Barnabas well.  But then we spend 30 minutes with a governess charged with the care of a supposedly looney child.  But then we completely forget about that for an hour because Barnabas returns and decides to fix the family fishing business.  He’s a vampire by the way…

Dark Shadows Cursed My Wallet | Dark Shadows 2012 Review

Somewhere in there they shimmy in a thieving father who is on screen for 5 minutes, a blow job, Alice Cooper, a werewolf and a bunch of ghosts.  Then right in the middle of the movie, our vampire hero decides to have sex with the witch who cursed him only to leave her again.  (Did he learn nothing?)

At one point the police show up hunting the vampire responsible for some pretty gruesome murders.  Suddenly they realize what he is, witness him fight a witch…  And then leave like nothing happened.

What else…

Oh the important love story.  Vicky, the governess, happens to fall madly in love with Barnabas.  Something he wished for.  This was just as rushed as all the other story lines they tried to cram into the film.  I understand that it’s a long running soap opera but they clearly tried to set up a sequel.  Wouldn’t it be easier to leave a couple things for that?

PS: That’s my ghost mom and she is a ghost more powerful than the witch.

PS: I’m a werewolf, deal with it.

…  If you’ve made it this far in my review, I hope you realized I structured it like the film on purpose.  It’s basically a small paragraph for each important plot point and you really don’t get a chance to develop anything.

1225 episodes doesn’t fit into 113 minutes.

Dark Shadows Review Tim Burton

NOTE: Having not seen a single episode, I’m willing to concede that there may be things I’m missing.

Allow me to illustrate my point.

I have never seen an episode of Star Trek either.  I was never really a fan but I’m sure it’s a great show.  I haven’t seen any of the films either.  So when I walked into J.J Abrams’ reboot a few years ago, I had the same expectations as Dark Shadows.  Show me the world, introduce me to the people and entertain.

Star Trek was an awesome introduction to the Enterprise and it’s crew.

Dark Shadows was not because toomanythingshappenedinrandomorderandsomefeltoutofplacebutatleast…

TimBurtongottoputdarkeyeshadowonjohnnydeppandmakeanotherdarktalewithvariousshadesofgrey.

I feel the following Family Guy video illustrates my point:

Don’t get me wrong, I think Tim Burton is a fine filmmaker.  But Dark Shadows made me sad.  Looks like I have my first nominee for 2012’s Bottom 3.

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Dark Shadows Cursed My Wallet | Dark Shadows 2012 Review

Dark Shadows Cursed My Wallet | Dark Shadows 2012 Review