I FEAR REGRET
Over the last few months, I’ve really been able to put this fear into perspective. It feels oddly freeing to say it out loud since I tend to bottle up pretty much everything. My worst fear is doing (or not doing) something I’ll regret later on. The overwhelming sense of guilt I feel some days is usually attributed to this fear.
A good way to describe it is in the way I use my iPhone. The phone is never more than two feet away from me at all times and when it rings. I answer it. I always do. I have to. A missed call causes a large amount of stress and anxiety in my mind. What did that person want? Why didn’t they leave a message? What if something is wrong?
It gets worse if I call them back and don’t get an answer. Sometimes, the sheer curiosity alone can cause a mild sense of panic as I ponder the possible reasons the call. It’s an odd ‘trait’ but one I’ve come to accept. The down side is my family knows what I’m like with my phone so if I don’t answer it, THEY get anxious.
I’m being brutally honest because lately, I’ve been filled with so much regret and guilt without an outlet. Until I realized that I have the perfect way to express myself and face all my worst fears.
XTRA | Screenwriting vs Anxiety
WRITE ABOUT WHAT SCARES YOU.
Recently, I tackled a horror script that amounted to about 10 pages of Zombie madness. I’m not sure what I’ll do with the story now that it’s finished but it felt amazing to get some anger out. It’s incredible how therapeutic writing a screenplay can be.
That was the warm up. Next I began writing a story about a teenager who is unable to relate to his parents and I was able to work with the theme of regret. I was terrified to write it because it would mean facing my own fears. Still, I pushed forward and wrote about forgiveness and family and suddenly, I felt a lot better.
When your mind is distracted, it can be extremely difficult to write. Especially when you are writing about the very thing that made you sad. I got stuck repeatedly and constantly checked my email, twitter and blogs instead of typing. Eventually, I forced myself to move forward and the result was a very personal take on my fear of regret.
Thankfully, I’ve always been able to relate to my parents but I think that’s why I was compelled to write a story like that. What if I wasn’t? How would I feel? So I made up a character who COULDN’T relate to his parents and explored the emotions involved.
The screenplay is nearly finished and regardless of what happens to the material, I’m happy I wrote it.
I’m happy I have a passion to rely on when I need to work some things out. At the end of the day, I love to write and the more emotionally invested I am in the story, the better I feel when I accomplish my goals.