MORE STORY LINES IN THE THEATER THAN ON THE SCREEN

Not a great way to kick off my 2013 movie year.  A movie that was just okay was brought down even further by an audience full of idiots.  I expected more from a matinee show.

I’m a regular at the theater close to my work place.  Whenever I can catch a movie before a shift I do so.  (Even if I have to go alone which is usually this case.)  On this particular occasion, I had a friend join me.  On the way to the theater, I bragged about the merits of matinee movies.  There are usually tons of empty seats which results in a much quieter experience.

I was proven wrong the second we entered the theater.  It was every true horror fans worst nightmare.  A dozen young teens who were sitting together.  I should have known we were doomed but even then I was optimistic at that point.  We sat down as far away from the rowdy group as we could.  Minutes later an even worse group of teenage girls sat a few rows behind us.  We knew both groups were going to talk throughout the movie and that’s EXACTLY how that sh*t went down!

Keep in mind the following tales happened while the movie was playing.  You’ll gain a better understanding of how frustrating it was.  I’ll try to keep these events in chronological order.  But first, as is customary in my reviews, here is the trailer for MAMA:

Looks pretty good doesn’t it?  I thought so too.  Before I get to my little tales, I’d like to mention that we absolutely CRUSHED them all at Cineplex Timeplay.

THE TALE OF THE CELL PHONE

We were already annoyed by the constant chatter that plagued the previews.  It seemed like everyone in that theater hadn’t seen each other in years and HAD to catch up.  Either that or they were already nervous because of the creepy Evil Dead trailer.  Two kids screamed & it wasn’t even the gruesome red band trailer!

That’s when it hit me.  What were all these kids doing in the theater on a Friday afternoon in the first place?  They seemed a bit young for a horror movie even if it was PG-13.

When the previews ended everyone actually settled down…  Until a cell phone belonging to one of the girls behind us started ringing.  If you guessed her ring tone was Justin Bieber’s ‘As long as you love me’…

Welcome to our nightmare.

THE TALE OF THE REPETITIVE IDIOT

Mama is about two young girls who lose their parents and find themselves in a cabin inhabited by a ghost they call Mama.  In my opinion, it’s an awesome concept.  Tons of possibilities.  The girls they cast to play the roles (both young and old) are adorable.  That was the point but one of the girls behind us really thought they were cute.  The following quotes were spoken at full volume:

“Look at how cute they are”

“How cute are they?”

“Man these two girls are cute.”

“I can’t get over how cute they are.”

“How cute are they?”

I would lose my mind if I had a friend repeat the same thing 12 times in the middle of a movie.  “You’ve established the kids are cute.  We all agree.  Now just be quiet and formulate a new thought.  That’s how society works!”

THE TALE OF THE SISSY

The endless talking continued as the movie established Mama and the main characters.  There are various scares that any seasoned horror fan could spot that still made these kids scream at the top of their lungs.

“Rookies.”

That’s when I noticed one of the kids in front of us was sitting on the floor with his back to the scream.  He was one of the main kids that never shut up.  His friends laughed at his comments but none of them realized that he was probably terrified and couldn’t watch.  Some kids that young don’t have fun at horror movies.  They get nervous and the only defense they have is talking and laughing.  It’s a mask you have to shed if you have any hope of enjoying good horror films.

Mama has it’s moments but that kid would have peed his pants if we were watching a movie like Sinister.  Bughuul is 58 million times more terrifying than Mama.

Speaking of Mama, here’s a picture of her just to remind you that were still watching (or trying to watch) a movie.

THE TALE OF THE SHHH WAR

The greatest irony of the afternoon came about an hour into the movie.  The young kids began to annoy Team Bieber behind us.  I couldn’t get over it.  The girls behind us who wouldn’t shut up were telling the kids in front of us to shut up…

How could they be so oblivious?  They were just as bad!  Holy crap I wish I would have said something.  I mentioned it quietly to my friend and we both agreed that these kids would have given us lip and we wouldn’t have gotten anywhere.  He was quick to point out that they would have annihilated me if I had gone by myself.

What the girls didn’t realize was how close they came to being on the losing end of a Popcorn battle.  The Sissy was leading the charge.  He literally crawled to each of his friends pointing out the girls who shushed them.  I really wish they realized how scared he was.  He was willing to do whatever it took to distract his friends.

Ironically, it was Team Bieber that pointed out the reason why these kids were in the theater in the first place.

“These kids shouldn’t even be here.  They just bought tickets to Monsters Inc. 3D and snuck in.”

Funny how she was complaining at full volume…  Princess Bieber needed to shut up.

THE TALE OF THE FAILED PICKUP ATTEMPT

Even though we were constantly distracted, I actually liked the story.  It’s an interesting ‘Mowgli’ type of story.  It wasn’t very scary but it was clever at times.  It’s just a shame that people wouldn’t stop talking.  Was it time to leave the theater and complain?  People were shushing and yelling at each other to shut up to no avail.

My friend and I were completely annoyed by everyone in that theater. Team Bieber was especially annoying but there were a few boys who were interested in every single word they said.  At one point, a teenage boy turned on his cell phone and flashed the light at the girls (and by extension… me.)  I turned around at the exact moment the boy waved at them.

“Hey…  How you girls doing?”

Are you kidding me!?  You’re going to try and pick them up in the middle of a movie!? It wasn’t long before his own friends were telling him to shut up.  Eventually the girls shot him down that he gave up.  He had no chance.

Things calmed down slightly towards the end of the movie.  That’s when I realized, I didn’t really like Mama all that much.

THE TALE OF THE ACTUAL MOVIE

Ohhhhhh right… The movie…

Mama was steadily building towards an ending I was pretty interested in.  We finally got a glimpse of Mama’s face and it was creepy but then we saw the ghost again and again.  Almost too much.  By the time we reached the finale, Mama was no longer creepy.  She became another character in the movie and I think that really took away from the atmosphere they worked so hard to create.

Overall, the movie was just okay.  I was expecting a lot more scares but it still has a few moments here and there.  Most of the good moments were ruined by kids who weren’t taught theater etiquette.  It’s sad.

Speaking of sad, I loved the ending of the movie because it went where most movies don’t.  Putting children in harms way is tricky so it was nice to see a risk for a change.  When it’s done right it can be incredibly tense.  Mama just missed but I applaud the attempt to avoid a typical happy ending.  By far my biggest complaint is Mama’s CG.  It’s okay for most of the movie but the finale is pretty bad.  (Also, they should have give Jaime Lannister more to do.)

If you’re curious to see Mama, I would wait for a rental opportunity in a few months.  As for the annoying kids…  They never stopped.  Someone was always talking.  My message for parents is simple.  When you send your kid to a movie and they come home with a ticket for Monsters Inc. 3D, ask them what it was about–  Wait a minute…  They probably already saw it!  They could have answered any questions.  Their plan was full proof!

Worst movie audience of all time?  Sorry Paranormal Activity 2, we have a new champion.

FUN FACT: Did you know Mama was based on a short film?  Curious to see it?  Here it is with an intro from producer Guillermo Del Toro:

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THE BLOCKBUSTERS ARE COMING AND THEY LOOK GLORIOUS!

It’s that time of year!  The season where all the Oscar contenders are released, discussed & analyzed.  It’s a phenomenal season for film fans.   While I attempt to catch up on my enormous ‘must watch’ list, I’m still thinking about next summer.  It’s never too early to get excited for the next wave of summer blockbusters.

I chose these 10 films for two reasons.  First, they are scheduled to be released between May 1, 2013 & August 31, 2013.  Second, they look awesome.  Simple enough.  Let’s get to it!

Which summer movies are you looking forward to in 2013?

Note: I’ll be updating this page as the official trailers are released.

Let the hype begin!

Honorable Mention: Oblivion (Opens April 2013)

10. KICK ASS 2

Kick Ass was a ton of fun having gone in with no knowledge of the comic.  It was packed with over-the-top violence and the sequel is sure to deliver more of the same.  AND They’ve added comedy heavyweight Jim Carrey to the mix.

9. THE LONE RANGER

I’m a big fan of new franchises and Gore Verbinski has launched several.  (I wish he was still bringing Bioshock to the big screen.) There’s no doubt The Lone Ranger will be visually stunning and full of amazing action.  It’s just a shame they forgot to REALLY include the titular character in the first trailer.  I get the thought process behind the marketing.  Johnny Depp is a global star after all and it certainly looks like he has created another memorable character.  But Armie Hammer is an after thought here.  It’s a minor complaint as I’m sure he has plenty to do in the film.  But seriously, Depp does look awesome as Tonto.

[Update] We got a second Lone Ranger trailer that features The Lone Ranger!  Much better.

8. ELYSIUM

District 9 was absolutely incredible.  I can’t wait to see what Neill Blomkamp has in store for us next August.  Not much is known about the film outside of the people who saw and raved about the comic-con footage so here is a synopsis:

“In the year 2159 two classes of people exist: the very wealthy who live on a pristine man-made space station called Elysium, and the rest, who live on an overpopulated, ruined Earth. Secretary Rhodes (Jodie Foster), a hard line government official, will stop at nothing to enforce anti-immigration laws and preserve the luxurious lifestyle of the citizens of Elysium. That doesn’t stop the people of Earth from trying to get in, by any means they can. When unlucky Max (Matt Damon) is backed into a corner, he agrees to take on a daunting mission that if successful will not only save his life, but could bring equality to these polarized worlds.”

7. FAST & FURIOUS 6

The original Fast & Furious came along right around the time I got my driver’s license.  Now, I never pimped my rusted 1996 Chevrolet Cavalier but I did love the movie.  Then 2 Fast came along and ruined everything.  I completely skipped Tokyo Drift but something funny happened.  The 4th installment came along…  And I liked it?  It wasn’t anywhere near the level of the first but at least the whole gang was back.

Fast 5 changed the game and took the franchise in a completely different direction.  They added The Rock and suddenly, the Fast & Furious series became a heist franchise.  I thought Fast 5 was great especially with the revelation in the end credits.  Why not?  I like the characters.  I like the new direction.  Bring on Part 6.

6. AFTER EARTH

A while back, I wrote an article detailing two important streaks on the line when After Earth is released.  Will Smith’s hits vs M. Night Shyamalan’s flops.  One of them will end.  I’m sure many people will bet that Will Smith will be starring in the latest Shyamalan dud…  Or maybe he won’t.

Signs is my favorite movie period.  I always get perplexed looks when I admit that but it’s true.  That movie came along at the right time and stuck with me.  I’ve been waiting a long time for another classic to come from the mind of M. Night Shyamalan.  (The Last Airbender was certainly not it.)

But I really love the concept behind After Earth:

“In After Earth, one thousand years after cataclysmic events forced humanity’s escape from Earth, Nova Prime has become mankind’s new home. Legendary General Cypher Raige (played by Will Smith) returns from an extended tour of duty to his estranged family, ready to be a father to his 13-year-old son, Kitai (played by Jaden Smith). When an asteroid storm damages Cypher and Kitai’s craft, they crash-land on a now unfamiliar and dangerous Earth. As his father lies dying in the cockpit, Kitai must trek across the hostile terrain to recover their rescue beacon. His whole life, Kitai has wanted nothing more than to be a soldier like his father. Today, he gets his chance.”

Which streak will end?

5. THE WOLVERINE

X-Men Origins: Wolverine was awful.  In my opinion, it was the worst movie of 2009.  So why is Wolverine so high on this list?  They are essentially ignoring the first solo movie completely.  Nice.  I love the character and the idea of a bad ass Wolverine adventure is still exciting.  Especially one without plot holes and Deadpool.  Can you even call him Deadpool?

4. STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS

I highly enjoy J.J Abrams movies. (Not to mention the excellent TV series he’s created.) Mission Impossible 3 is still my favorite of the four,  Super 8 was actually my favorite movie of 2011 and I adored Star Trek.  Honestly, I was never a Star Trek fan until the new film came along.  It’s not that I didn’t like it, I just never got around to watching it as a kid.  At that time, it was Next Generation so I really had no exposure to Captain Kirk & Spock at all.

Star Trek was a blast to watch even with all those lens flares.  I can’t wait to see what J.J does with the franchise now that the characters & rules are established.  Of course it is a J.J Abrams production so we know nothing about the project yet.

XTRA | Top 5 Moments: Star Trek Into Darkness Trailer #1

3. IRON MAN 3

The Avengers took the Superhero genre to astonishingly new heights.  Marvel pulled it off…  Now what?  Phase Two!

XTRA | Top 10 Moments: The Avengers

The Marvel Cinematic Universe rolls on with a much darker Iron Man.  This trailer may go down as my favorite of 2012 unless another comes along to dethrone it.  It’ll be tough to beat.  Right off the bat, Tony Stark mentions the devastation left in Loki’s wake after his army was defeated.  Now Tony is haunted.  It’s the perfect time for one of Iron Man’s deadliest foes to appear on the big screen.  The Mandarin.  Right off the bat, you can see that Tony Stark is going to get beaten down in this film.  I can’t wait to see how he picks himself up.

XTRA | Top 5 Moments: Iron Man 3 Trailer 1

2. MAN OF STEEL

I didn’t like Superman Returns at all.  Where was the action?  Why was it so long?  Much like Wolverine, I’m glad Zack Snyder is rebooting the Man of Steel from scratch with a more realistic approach.  It helps to have Christopher Nolan on board.  Will Superman fill the void left now that Nolan’s remarkable Batman trilogy is over?

In a word: Yes.

I think Man of Steel will be the Superman movie fans have been dreaming of for decades.  The first trailer is proof:

[Update: Second Trailer has arrived]

XTRA | Top 5 Moments: Man of Steel Trailer #2

1. PACIFIC RIM

Guillermo Del Toro + Giant Robots + Equally Giant Monsters = My most anticipated movie of the 2013 summer movie season.  By far!  I’m so excited I can’t stand it.  Del Toro is truly blessed with an incredibly visual and COOL imagination.  I think Pacific Rim is poised to become of the coolest movies of all time and I don’t say that lightly.  Giant robots are going to fight giant monsters!  ……….  And Guillermo Del Toro is responsible for the mayhem!

XTRA | Top 5 Moments: Pacific Rim Trailer #1

July 12!  July 12! July 12! July 12!

“When legions of monstrous creatures, known as Kaiju, started rising from the sea, a war began that would take millions of lives and consume humanity’s resources for years on end.  To combat the giant Kaiju, a special type of weapon was devised: massive robots, called Jaegers, which are controlled simultaneously by two pilots whose minds are locked in a neural bridge.  But even the Jaegers are proving nearly defenseless in the face of the relentless Kaiju.  On the verge of defeat, the forces defending mankind have no choice but to turn to two unlikely heroes—a washed up former pilot (Charlie Hunnam) and an untested trainee (Rinko Kikuchi)—who are teamed to drive a legendary but seemingly obsolete Jaeger from the past.  Together, they stand as mankind’s last hope against the mounting apocalypse.”

Click here for more Movie Countdowns

GIANT ROBOTS vs GIANT INTER DIMENSIONAL MONSTERS

Do you really need more?  Thankfully, Pacific Rim is directed by geek god Guillermo Del Toro so MORE is exactly what’s coming next July.  The world (outside of Comic Con) finally got a look at these beasts and bots in action and it… Is… Glorious!

Here is the official synopsis:

When legions of monstrous creatures, known as Kaiju, started rising from the sea, a war began that would take millions of lives and consume humanity’s resources for years on end.  To combat the giant Kaiju, a special type of weapon was devised: massive robots, called Jaegers, which are controlled simultaneously by two pilots whose minds are locked in a neural bridge.  But even the Jaegers are proving nearly defenseless in the face of the relentless Kaiju.  On the verge of defeat, the forces defending mankind have no choice but to turn to two unlikely heroes—a washed up former pilot (Charlie Hunnam) and an untested trainee (Rinko Kikuchi)—who are teamed to drive a legendary but seemingly obsolete Jaeger from the past.  Together, they stand as mankind’s last hope against the mounting apocalypse.

Weeks ago, I named Pacific Rim as my number 1 anticipated movie of the 2013 summer movie season.  While Man of Steel is inching closer, Pacific Rim is just to HUGE.  Robots are going to fight Monsters!

This trailer is overflowing with epic moments.  I’m so happy this trailer didn’t suck.  Here are my top 5 moments!  Bring on Trailer 2.

5. JAEGERS!

These massive robots look unreal.  One shot in particular shows three of them gearing up for battle.  Might we see a couple 3 on 1 fights?

It might be necessary considering how this Jaeger gets tossed around:

4. CANCEL THE APOCALYPSE!

Idris Elba.  Giving an awesome speech right before the giant robots fight the giant monsters.  This movie is real folks!

3. KAIJU ATTACKS BRIDGE

We’ve been given glimpses of the Jaegers but the Kaiju have been virtually unknown until now.  What an introduction!  This massive beast takes down a bridge and multiple jet fighters.

2. MASSIVE MONSTER

The final shot of the trailer shows a massive creature from another dimension.  What is this movie!?

1. ROBO-ROCKET FIST

Robots punching monsters in the face is one thing but rocket powered fists really raises the bar doesn’t it?  Thank you Guillermo Del Toro!

Click here for more Movie Countdowns

Click here for my Top 10 2013 Summer Movies

I’m an aspiring filmmaker.  Like every filmmaker out there, I have a lengthy list of films that have inspired me along the way.  This series will examine twelve of the films that changed the way I looked at movies forever.  Films that have greatly influenced the filmmaker I hope to become someday…

Pan’s Labyrinth

How did Pan’s Labyrinth change everything for me?  One word:

Imagination

Guillermo Del Toro has one of the most original and artistic imaginations in the world.  The pic above is a perfect example of this.

Pan’s Labyrinth was one of those movies that looked so amazing that I bought it without having seen it.

I literally left my apartment, purchased it and watched it that night.  Fantastic decision on my part.

Pan’s Labyrinth essentially reignited my love of fairy tale movies.  I was blown away.

It’s such an original and dark story set in essentially TWO worlds I’ve never seen before.  The first being Spain during a civil war and the second being the fairy tale world.

The movie is a perfect balance of the two and overflowing with imaginative characters and imagery.  Above all else, the director ties everything together with incredible characters and a story that has stuck with me every since.

It’s strange saying this but I can never make it through the movie in one sitting.  I mean that as a compliment as I always end up stopping it and writing for a while before returning to finish the film.

I’m extremely thankful of every film that gets me in front of a computer to write.  Especially one with so much originality and imagination.

Pan’s Labyrinth makes me want to be a better writer.  It makes me want to create better characters and stories.  It makes me want to work harder and set my goals higher.

It’s definitely a movie that changed everything.